The Mysterious Plasmid
by FEMINISTANDPROUD
Summary: While fighting his way through Arcadia, Jack stumbles upon a strange-looking plasmid. Curiousity getting the better of him, he injects it into his body... and immediately regrets doing so. [NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY]
1. Chapter 1

author notes

Astrid a/n: my misogynist brother wouldn't stop bothering me about wanting to write a fan fic, so here ya go you spoiled piece of cis straight white male trash!

Valter a/n: Guess i'll start this off by saying thanks for deciding to waste your life on reading my beautifully written fan fic instead of being outside enjoying the sun, or doing something productive with your meaningless existence. anyway, after i realized my talent for writing stories that would rival tolkien, bradbury, heinlen etc, i decided to share with you my master piece, my magnum opera, with all you pricks. btw If you don't like it, then you can go fuck yourselves, you uncultured fuck stains!

The Mysterious Plasmid by Valter Erickson

chapter 1

'FUCKING PARASITE-!' the splicer was immediately silenced with an RPG to the face. Flesh, blood, bone and brain matter painted the dark green grass with a crimson red. The now headless body slumped to the ground, blood oozing from her stump of a neck.

'Hey Atlas, that's the last of them.' Jack spoke into his shortwave radio, satisfied with completing his task of clearing out every single ADAM addict in Arcadia.

'Great work, boyo!' the Irishman replied, 'Now if I were you, before heading to the metro station, I'd spend some of that extra ADAM at that Gatherer's Garden. You don't know when those damn sploicers'll get the drop on ya.'

'Sure thing.' said Jack as he made his was to the Garden. To be honest, he never actually felt safe using ADAM. The whole idea of rewriting your genetic code, along with the fear of becoming one of Rapture's deranged inhabitants made Jack constantly feel uneasy, that was why he usually avoided the Gatherer's Garden. Strangely though, he wasn't experiencing any kind of serious side effects from ADAM usage.

 _''Maybe they take a while to kick in,''_ he thought.

'What's the hold up?' Atlas asked impatiently, snapping the farm boy out of his daze.

'Sorry!' Jack quickly replied, embarrassed that he was keeping his friend waiting.

'Hurry up with that new plasmid, would you kindly? y'never know if any of them choppers might still be lurkin' about.'

'Yeah, sure.'

'You probably need to upgrade the Electro Bolt, or least get some of that Cyclone Trap just to be safe.'

'On it.' Jack said as he took out a vial of the pinkish red liquid and poured it into the funnel of the machine. After a few minutes the select menu popped up. Fingers pressing various buttons on the keyboard, he scrolled down to the available plasmids.

He saw the enhanced Electro Bolt, the Cyclone Trap, etc, but one stood out like a sore thumb. The feeling of morbid curiosity suddenly overtook him. Unconsciously, he selected the mysterious plasmid. A few mechanical sounds were heard before a syringe filled with a glowing pink liquid emerged from the dispenser.

Jack hesitantly took it from the Garden before noticing a label with three letters crudely drawn with what looked like a pen, he couldn't pronounce the word. Jack was no chemist, but he could of sworn he heard the term somewhere in a book from his dad's old study. After staring at the strange plasmid for what felt like forever, Jack slowly injected it into his left arm. After a few minutes, a voice broke the silence.

'Hey boyo, you have that plasmid, yet?' Atlas asked

But Jack didn't listen. Instead he stared into space as his pupils grew to an unnatural size. Then a figure appeared in front of him, too big to be a man. In fact

it didn't resemble anything other than a purple cloud of smoke. 'a man chooses,' it said as it smoked a cigar, 'a slave obeys.'

Jack laughed like a moron and followed anomaly through Arcadia. Only it wasn't arcadia, it was Ponyville. A bunch of ponies were being gang raped by fat, disgusting, retarded, acne riddled bronies. Then the scenery around him morphed into a grassy field and he was being raped in the ass by a chocobo. Then he was in the Hundred Acre Wood having sex with Winnie the Pooh!

'Yes, fuck me, Jack!' Pooh screamed. 'Come in my pussy!' But before they could climax, the door to Pooh's house burst open, revealing a furious Piglet.

'POOH, YOU BACK STABBING, CHEATING MOTHER FUCKER!' He bellowed.

'Oh, bother.' remarked Pooh.

Jack was about to react when his world changed again, and before he gknew it, the farm boy was in a Hobbit hole.

'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?' Bilbo exclaimed as he was in the middle of making out with Thorin on his armchair. lol. But before Jack could explain he was in a strange cave with a weird looking creature. It crawled on all fours toward him, its mouth drooling at the thought

'My precious...' it hissed before exploding into a Death Star. Jack found himself in space piloting an X-wing along with a fleet of rebels. He flew into a trench, blasting at enemy ships.

'Use the ADAM, Jack.' he heard a voice echo in his mind as he saw the ghostly apparition of some old fossil injecting himself with an EVE hypo. Then he found himself in front of a fast food counter at the Krusty Krab.

'Can I take your order?' asked an unenthusiastic Squidward. Then Jack realized was Squidward all along and he danced like a retard while singing,

'I'M SQUIDWARD! I'M SQUIDWARD! I'M SQUIDWARD, SQUIDWARD, SQUIDWARD!'

Then now he was on the planet Namek as himself right before the planet exploded. And when it did, he could feel a searing pain before he died.

At least he thought he did.

When Jack opened his eyes, he realized he was back in Rapture, only that it looked way more decrepit and rusty than before. the area was filled to the brim with barnacles, coral, and various undersea plants. hearing a crash, he looked to his right and saw an odd-looking big daddy, who was in the process of ass raping numerous goddamn sploicers with his drill. a Little Sister, only cuter this time, on his back stared at the gruesome scene before her.

'Hey daddy, what are you doing to their butts?' she asked

Subject Delta groaned in an 'oh shit.' response before patting the child on the head reassuringly. She giggled adowably at the gesture. the alpha series big daddy was glad he couldn't talk, or else he'd have to explain sex and rape to a 7 year old girl.

Going back to the task at hand while holding both of his hands out in front of him like a retard, he was about to continue his journey through dionysus park before a weak thuggish splicer came up and bashed him with a metal rod. the pussy big daddy immediately fell over dead. his gatherer sobbed uncontrollably over his corpse, not because her protector just died, but the fact that he didn't act like a fucking big daddy, but more like a weak human in a daddy suit. fucking pathetic.

'Well that sucked!' jack commented. 'this is pretty much more of the same game!'

Before he knew it he was now on a platform in front of an old, late victorian era- looking building that seemed to be floating in the sky. he looked around, puzzled at how the graphics were so mother fucking sexy. looking at the scenery around him, he realized that there was an entire city around him. the whole place looked like some old ass victorian, gilded age, turn of the twentieth century dump.

'a city floating high in the sky.' he remarked before turning back around, 'Ridiculous.'

for some reason, he slowly walked in, feeling drawn to a bedroom upstairs on the 2nd floor. the place looked ransacked; furniture was either destroyed or knocked over while fancy clothing was strewn all about and broken porcelain littered the wooden floor. after climbing the stairs, jack slowly crept down the long hallway toward the last door on the end. even from a distance, he could almost clearly hear panting and shouting from the other side of the door. as he got closer, he could also make out the sound of a bed being shook, not to mention the sound of flesh slapping flesh.

'OH YES! MORE! FUCK ME, MR DEWITT! FUCK ME!' it sounded like a young woman's voice, which was then followed by a man's.

'Please...' he replied in between thrusts, 'Call... me "Booker!"'

'OH MY GOD, I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS,' the girl shouted, 'JUST GIVE THIS LITTLE WHORE OF A LAMB WHAT SHE WANTS! HARDER! FASTER!'

'I'M TRYING!' booker shouted back, 'AHHH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, BETH!'

As their thrusting grew faster, both of those unwittingly incestuous fucks came closer and closer to an orgasm. they were father and daughter btw, in case you were moronic enough to read this fan fic without finishing the fucking game. oh sorry. anyway, back to the story... where was i? jack was horrified at what he was hearing. he felt like he was about to puke. what the fuck was going on?

'OH SHIT, BOOKER, I... I THINK I'M CUMMING!'

'ME TOO! OH CHRIST! AH! MOTHER MARY!' he replied hornily, cuz they were having sex, in case u forgot. lol. their pacing grew rapidly before they shouted each other's names in unison.

'AH! AH! AH! BOOKERRRRR!'

'ELIZABEEEETH!'

They both climaxed, their screams echoing loudly throughout the building. the noise was loud enough to be heard from outside. suddenly, in the middle of her orgasm, elizabeth accidentally opened a small tear to andrew ryan's office. ryan was busy jerking off to himself in the mirror like a good little randroid, so he didn't notice the two fuck buddies accidently send a stream of their own cum into the ancap randtard's face. lol.

'WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?' ryan shouted as

he was snapped from his rooster choking session when he felt the sticky incestuous love juices splatter all over his face. luckily for the two sick fucks, the tear immediately closed before ryan realized it was there. lol.

'oops!' muttered beth

'what?' replied booker.

'oh nothing lol.' she giggled as they kept fucking until they came again a few more thousand times. lol.

after a few hours, Jack finally heard them collapse onto the bed with a thud, wishing he could unhear all the shit he just heard. After a few minutes of breathing heavily, one of them spoke.

'Holy fuck, Booker.' said Elizabeth, still trying to catch her breath. 'That was... amazing! So much more fun than Paris.'

'Yeah, that was... something... best fucking i've had in a while.' replied her lover. 'Fuckin' A, "Hallelujah"'

Jack cringed as he heard them passionately kiss, their tongues swirling around each other furiously as Elizabeth moaned deeper into Booker's mouth. He couldn't take any more of this. hunching over, he managed to finally puke his guts out, bits of half digested potato chips and pep bars along with putrid smelling bile poring onto the tiled floor. fortunately for farm boy, the two incestuous fuckstains were too busy french kissing to hear it. the genetic freak regretted playing infinite all the way to the end. in fact, he kind of regretted playing the game at all, since it was pretty much a massive fucking disappointment. thanks a lot, 2k. seriously, you cock tease us with this game 3 god damn times with 3 fucking delays, only to release this watered down piece of shit? fuck you levine, and fuck irrational. oh sorry, i'm going off topic. lol. anyway, where was i, again? oh yeah, they were swapping spit like crazy.

'ohh, booker' gasped elizabeth, groaning a little in annoyance as dewitt slowly broke the kiss. 'you're sweeter than cotton candy.'

he chuckled 'guess that means you're ready for round two, babydoll?'

she giggled an adowable giggle before gleefully replying 'you've read my mind, you sexy piece of ass! fuck my asshole this time!'

she quickly flipped herself over onto her hands and knees, shaking her average, but cute rear at booker like the little harlot she was. using his hands to spread out her gorgeous ass cheeks, earning himself another light moan from her, he gasped as he saw her tight, puckered asshole. oh, but you didn't know exactly what was happening cuz this fan fic is told from jack's pov an there was a door in front of him. lol. booker used some of the extra adam he had on his vest to lube up his huge, thick, juicy, veiny 1'11'' cock before he readied himself for the next fuckening. elizabeth giggled again in excitement. he was about to put it in her tiny virgin asshole, (a/n: btw her snatch tho wasn't virgin no more since he just fucked her there, in case you don't remember, lol) when they heard a voice that made their blood run cold.

'Eww, incest!' Jack blurted out, overwhelmed by the amount of sick fuckery that was going on. The minute the words slipped from his lips, he clasped both of his hands to his mouth. the two lovers gasped.

'Oh shit!' exclaimed a horrified Elizabeth. 'OH MY GOD! SOMEONE'S OUTSIDE! I THINK THEY FUCKING HEARD US!'

'give me a fucking break! WHO THE FUCK'S THERE!?' Booker demanded angrily as he quickly put his pants on and grabbed his hand cannon. his gun, not his dick btw. lol. 'GOD DAMN PERV! I HAVE A GUN, MOTHER FUCKER!'

'Oh fuckin' hell!' exclaimed Jack, trying to come up with some sort of explanation. But before he could muster up an excuse, a hale lol hale of bullets erupted through the wooden door, peppering the splicing freak with splinters as the sound of gunshots rang throughout the hallway. thankfully the bullets missed jack and instead hit an old maid who was looking for the owner of the mansion to ask for a raise. lol. jack immediately gtfo'd and sprinted back the way he came.

as he made his way down the stairs, he looked around, noticing that the house was starting to glow. for the first time in forever, he was actually thankful this time that the world around him was changing again. That's when he found himself in a white room with a large round panel on the floor along with a strange cube on a catwalk that seemed to made of blue light. for some retarded reason, he was holding a strange gun.

'Welcome, new test subject, to the Aperture Science Testing Facility.' A feminine voice droned. 'Here you will be subjected to certain tests that will involve performing various tasks while enduring severe pain- hey wait you're not the new test subject!'

Then he glowed and found himself in space, then in an empty, windowless, doorless room. In front of him was a large mirror. That's when he started to change. First he transformed in a beautiful, young, busty woman smoking a cigarette. she had pale skin, too much make up and long curly hair blacker than my feminazi sister's soul. i know, that's some deep shit. either way, the bombshell wore a white blouse that wrapped tightly around her big titties, along with a black skirt and matching high heels. she/he remembered blowing a kiss at the mirror before posing in it for no reason at all.

astrid a/n: OH MY GOD THIS IS OFFENSIVE TOWARDS TRANS PEOPLE!

valter a/n: Deal with it. lol.

'constants and variables, Mr Dewitt.' she said in a seductive tone before slapping her large, round ass. what a whore. lol. then she found herself naked and being gangbanged by multiple naked bookers. the fact that she was fucking her own dad made the whole situation (indivijul) even hotter. lol. 'oh fmphcking gmmd, yeph...' she barely managed to mutter out through her cock filled mouth. the booker getting his prick sucked briefly took it out.

'sorry what?' he asked

'i said-AH! i suh-said, "Oh my fucking god!"' she replied, her moaning becoming louder as the other two bookers went faster, 'for god sakes, fuck me more! please, mr dewitt!'

'call us booker.' they said in unison.

'wtf ever' she replied absentmindedly, 'just give this whore what she wants! please...!' that last part was more like a whimper.

the oral booker stuck his cock back into her mouth, her lipstick smearing the shaft with a dark red. she gladly welcomed his cock.

after cumming 1,000,000,000,000,000 times, the bookers took turns french kissing the woman before saying their goodbyes and disappearing through a tear. the whore was left covered with a thick layer of her dad's cum. she lathered in it for about an hour like the disgusting hoe she was before she began fingering herself. she squealed in delight as she jerked off until she came a few trillion more times, moaning booker's name over and over. after cleaning herself up, she put back on her whore ish clothes before lighting a cigar.

'i miss you, booker.' she said somberly. 'i know you're alive. i can feel you. i promise i'll find you someday.'

after a few moments, she was grabbed by Atlas himself (who was a lot sexier than the last time she (jack) saw him) and was not only beaten to death for no reason, but with the same wrench that jack held in his hands. lol.

'WHERE'S ME ACE IN THE HOLE!?' he shouted, holding up a piece of paper with a bunch of gibberish. 'WHAT DOES IT SAY, YOU WHORE!?'

elizabeth managed to choke out, 'it says... "would you kindly?"' before she fell over and died. lol. atlas and his men ran away. 'LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL' they said. after a few years, the big tittied bitch rose up, moaning like a meth whore. now a zombie, the whore then morphed into a hideous decaying spider splicer, shrieking in horror at her own reflection; then she/he exploded. her remains were then raped by a disgusting pervy male splicer. lol. then she vanished. the disgusting pervy male sploicer then sobbed and soon was impaled by a big daddy drill. lol. the bouncer then tore his cock off and fed it to him. lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. sorry.

the next thing he knew, Jack turned into a lawyer in a bathroom at some amusement park. He was busy taking a shit while reciting 'Hail Mary' when a tyrannosaurus rex knocked down the outhouse, exposing Jack to the rain. The rex stared at him as he tried to stay still, only for him to have to rub his eyes, blowing his cover.

'N-no!' Jack shouted pathetically while flailing his arms around like a little bitch before the rex bit down on him.

'AAAWAAHHHHHLLL' jack comically screamed like a little hoe as the beast lifted up from the shitter and began shaking him around.

The monster tore him apart intentionally as the last few remnants of shit fell from his asshole and the toilet he was sitting on flushed. lol. All Jack could see was darkness before he turned into blade of grass only to be eaten by a goat. lol.

Then he turned into Andrew Ryan, only to be beaten to death by none other than Jack himself. Then he turned into the ADAM that was flowing through his veins that eventually bled out into space which in turn, transformed into a fat ugly feminist who was throwing a tantrum at a university event regarding college campus reform. only for him to die of a heart attack. He also turned into the first goomba in Super Mario bros that was immediately crushed by Mario. Then he turned into the fly that landed on Darren Ewing's forehead in Troll 2. Unfortunately he died, since flies have a really short lifespan. Then he transformed into a teenage boy... who happened to have a brother named Jeff who was in the process of stabbing him to death in his bed. lol what a guff

'Go. To. Sleep.' he growled and Jack died. lol.

Then he turned into Atlas, who didn't really exist so Jack simply ceased to exist. Then he transformed into some weed that Fontaine was rolling up and smoked him until he was no more. But thankfully, Jack finally turned back into himself.

'Thank christ' he exclaimed, only to realize that he was now the size of a grape and immediately and kindly got stepped on by a Big Daddy. lol. He then woke up in space before looking around, wondering how the hell he was able to breath in a vacuum.

'Hey buddy, you alright?' asked a voice.

Jack, realizing he was back to his original size, turned around and saw the planet Neptune smoking a huge doobie. he also noticed Gollum sitting next to him on Uranus injecting himself with more of the same strange plasmid.

'Yesssss! My precious!' he moaned like a crack whore

'What?' said Neptune 'Ever see a planet smoke before?'

'not really.' Jack replied nonchalantly. 'trust me, i've been seening weirder shit lately.

'Well there you go' said the gas giant, blowing a puff of smoke. 'anyway, i can tell you've had a shitty day. and judging by your face, you're really confused, aren't ya?'

Jack nodded, and after a brief moment of silence, he asked, 'What the hell is going on?'

'Beats me, I'm just a planet. But I'm sure Gollum does.'

'Yes, Smeagol will help you! *gollum!*' the mutated hobbit croaked gleefully, sounding a certain fat hobo with a mudslime beard who at one point in his meaningless emo life smoked two packs of cigarettes a day. 'We knows the way to the Doobie King! He can help precious!' And with that, Gollum quickly hopped from star to star, leaving Jack far behind.

That's when Jack suddenly sprouted jets from his asshole, rocketing him forward into the abyss. Before he knew it, the vacuous void of space began to turn into a colorful, swirling, light show. The next thing he knew, he was in a floating throne room facing an enormous figure seated on a weird af throne. upon closer inspection, jack realized the throne was made of the dried corpses of various demonic creatures from Doom, along with several skeletons of aborted fetuses, and glued together by all of the incestuous cum from millions of Elizabeths and Bookers from millions of alternate universes. constants and variables. lol.

The enormous creature seemed to be some sort of chimera, only much more unusual than ones from mythology. It had half the head of Tenanbaum, and one fourth the head of sarcasm and a thirty second of the head of ryan, one eighth of a brute splicer, and the rest that of an unmasked big daddy bouncer. Its eyes were grey flowers that spewed bloody glitter. Its upper torso was more like a mass of millions of fire ants that glowed a radioactive pink, while its pelvis seemed to be made of rusty clock parts; its penis was Shenron from that shitty piece of animu fucktrash abortion Dragon Ball. It had arms, if you could call them that, that were either made of fire and brimstone, a Big Daddy drill, or a metal little sister syringe. Both sets of fingers were made of satanic flowers, rainbows and garbage.

But the most shocking thing about it was the humongous fleshy crown made up of thousands Little Sister heads mounted on its cancer riddled head while at the very top of it was Frank Sinatra in a tutu with an electric guitar singing a metal version of 'Come Fly With Me'. And the most disturbing part was that the heads were still screaming. The king wore a long, technicolored robe made from the faces of dead U. S. Presidents, the hides of the ponies from My Little Pony, teletubby scalps, and chocobo feathers. He wielded a 45 trillion lightyear long scepter made of lightsabers while the very tip was made of the mosquito in fossilized amber from Jurassic Park. He had a beard made from the tears of furries who were told that they were all freaks, mixed together with the radioactive waste from Chernobyl, along with the souls of every victim eaten by Krampus. His eyebrows were made of blue flames fueled by the blood of Jesus Christ; his billion mile long mustache was made of the brain matter of the world's many brilliant minds. In his mouth, he held an enormous black doobie that took up most of the universe. Instead of weed it held the ground up remains of trillions and trillions of dead fairies that resulted in the king puffing out rainbow colored smoke. He had his rainbow shaped 'hand' in a giant bowl filled with popcorn made from bits of fried moogles. He scooped up the moogle popcorn in his claw and poured it down his throat, which was actually a black hole. But his mouth... his mouth was more like a sea of needles, lined up with trillions of rows of silver, razor sharp teeth.

Jack shuddered as he heard the cries and screams of some of the moogles who weren't lucky enough to die in the fryer slide down the abomination's throat. But then for the final piece de fucking resistance, it spoke. Oh God, when spoke, it sounded like a thousand cats screaming in agony, along the the sound of thunderous bees buzzing and millions of children kidnapped by mr bear in 1999 being burned alive.

'GOLLUM...' It said 'WAZ GOOD MAH NIGGA?'

'We is doing good, mah nigga!' replied Gollum from a galaxy cluster.

Jack looked utterly horrified. Not able to take much more, he head exploded repeatedly for eons; then he stopped.

'ARE YOU FINISHED?' the king growled in an i'm-not-fucking-around-retard voice. Jack quickly nodded. 'GOOD. I GO BY MANY NAMES, BUT IF I TOLD YOU, YOUR HEAD WOULD EXPLODE AGAIN, SO YOU CAN JUST CALL ME KING DOOBIE. WELCOME TO THE CENTER OF EXISTENCE. NOW TELL ME, WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?'

Jack immediately explained his predicament. King Doobie laughed.

'SILLY MORTAL, YOU'RE NOT UNDER THE PLASMID'S INFLUENCE... YOU ARE THE PLASMID!'

Jack screamed, 'NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

'LOL JK!' Doobie said.

Jack grew furious before taking out his RPG launcher and shot billions of RPGs at Doobie. He exploded upon impact, only for his body to regenerate. He looked enraged.

'Oh shit, precious is fucked, now!' exclaimed Gollum as he got on his magical unicorn and flew away. Doobie grabbed Jack by the neck and brought him close to his face.

'WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF MY INNER RAGE AND PAIN, FUCKER? DO I LOOK LIKE SOME HANKY PANKY SMANKY DOO GOODER TO BE UNRECKONED WITH? DO I LOOK SOME ONE WHO WOULD WANT TO LEND THREE FIDDY AND NOT GET SERVED WITH A STEAK AND FRIED, YOU PUSSY? NO I'M NOT CASUAL NINTENDO LOVING MOTHER FUCKER. I EAT FUCKERS LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST. I WORKED EXTRA HARD TO GET WHERE I AM WITH A BIG FAT DOOBIE AND A BUNCH OF BITCHES CUZ I'M A BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER CUZ I KNOW HAW TO PLAY THE GAME OF LIFE. BUT IF YOU THINK I'M HEAR TO CUDDLE YOU WITH MY SCEPTER, YOU GOTTA ANOTHER THING CUMMING U SHIT. YOU'RE DEAD TO ME CUZ YOU ASSHOLE CUZ ME IS GOING TO FUCK YOU UP CUZ I'M THE ONE WITH THE DICK. NOW DO YOU THINK I'M PLAYING AROUND? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M SOME NIGGA THAT DON'T NO UNPLAY NICE GERBALS IN THE SKY WITH YOU? FUCK YOU. NOW YOU UNDIE BECAUSE ME UNLOVE YOU THE SAME WAY YOU LOVE YOURSELF CUZ THAT'S HOW WE ROLE, MUH FUCKA! I'M A MOTHER FUCKING KING OF KINGS OF KINGS OF KINGS OF KINGS WHO DON'T TAKE SHIT FROM NO ONE, ESPECIALLY FUCKS LIKE YOU! YOU AIN'T MY PAL AND YOU ANY OF MY BUSINESS SO I KILL YOU NOW YOU MOTHER FUCKER.'

Then he threw Jack all the way back to Earth, which was actually a giant water balloon filled with the hopes and dreams that Jack would one day become a fairy princess. The minute he collided with it, the earth burst open, and all that shit i mentioned before spilled into space. and he realized at that moment that he was a fairy princess all along, only to turn back into himself, since he wanted to be free from the tyranny of the self. He felt the wind hit him as he opened his eyes and realized he was floating in the sky on a bunch of diamonds. his name was also lucy for some reason. He looked around and saw Atlas in a giant teacup, eating potatoes and drinking booze, since he's irish and as we all know, the irish are bunch of lazy drunks. lol

'Heya, boyo!' he shouted, waving like a retard at his bitch bo-I mean slave-i mean, ace in the hole-i mean, his mindless dron-i mean his hoe-i mean, best friend forever. Jack waved back. Then Atlas took off his mask, revealing Andrew Ryan smoking a doobie while banging a blonde stripper.

'Are you a man, or a slave?' He asked as he played golf while using the planet Mars as a golf ball. 'btw, nice tattoos, faggot.' jack flipped him off before looking to his right. he saw a Little Sister and a Big Daddy Rosie in a rowboat.

'Come on, Mr. Bubbles, let's get the flying ADAM!' she said enthusiastically, pointing at the glowing red cum. The golem groaned like a horny whale in response and took out its cloud eater and began sucking up the red acid cum cloud, resulting in it, along with its Gatherer exploding into a miasma of fairies. They eagerly traveled up to Jack's face and kissed him repeatedly before planting the Rapture flag on his cheek. The flag started bleeding profusely and it changed him into a rabid splicer who couldn't have known which way was up, only to change back. Then he teleported into the ocean where he waltzed with Ariel. Then he found himself on a Ferris wheel made from the bones of all the splicers he killed. He remembered eating cotton candy shaped like King Doobie before Gollum came up to him on a broomstick.

'Precious was the chosen one!' he exclaimed as he reached out a wand toward the farmboy. 'precious was meant to join the doobie king, not eat him!'

'k' jack said before the creature flew away. the man shrugged and continued to eat his treat until he realized that he was the cotton candy all along and ate himself. lol.

He then realized that his calling in life was always to be a worm burrowing itself into an apple, devouring every single morsel.

'But what happens when all of the apple is gone?' a disembodied voice said, as the last Jack the worm's apple was eaten. he could feel himself falling into a void of darkness, only to be caught, carried off and eaten by a crow. Various images of his life leading up to his adventures in Rapture flashed though his mind. He could see a family portrait. as he looked closer he realized it was his mom and dad. that's when they melted into Andrew Ryan and some stripper. OOOOHHH, FORESHADOWING! Then it exploded and Jack cried like a little bitch. lol.

Then he found himself in a studio with three ugly stoners seated in front of a computer set up while smoking weed.

'Oh, another guest?' one in a mask said, obviously too stoned to care. 'Who invited him?'

'I guess' some great bearded fat fuck replied, who also didn't care. 'how you doing?'

Jack didn't respond back, since the fairy godmother sewed his lips shut. lol.

'Guess he's a silent tard' said a scrawny bearded fucktard in an obnoxious voice that was like nails on chalkboard. He also wore sunglasses that made him look even more like an extreme douche.

There was a long awkward silence before the masked stoner said, 'Welcome to the Drunken Peasants Podcast where we DP the fuck outta the internet. I'm Ben.'

'And I'm Tj' said the fat fuck. 'Kinda weird that we have a guest all of a sudden. He wasn't there to begin with. You sure you didn't invite him, Ben?'

Ben was too stoned to listen, so he cackled like a retard.

'And I'm Scotty' The nasally voiced moron said.

'Okay, let me bring Paul's Ego orn' said Ben, clicking on google hangouts and shit. What shocked Jack the most was when an extremely fat tub of lard appeared on the screen.

'Hey guys' it said.

With that, Jack pulled apart the stitches on his mouth and let out a blood-curdling scream, causing the Peasants to jump.

'WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?' Jack, being the scared little bitch that he was, yelled in a scared-little-bitch voice like a scared little bitch cuz he was a scared little bitch... did I mention he was a scared little bitch?

Ben laughed again. 'That's Paul'

'God damn, didn't know Hutts used google hangouts' replied Jack

'Fuck you!' exclaimed Paul, 'I'm big boned'

'lol bullshit!' piped up Tj 'anyway, surprisingly, he's not a Hutt, he's actually a land whale.'

'FUCK YOU, YOU GODLESS SACK OF SHIT!' Paul bellowed furiously cuz he was butthurt. with that he ran away crying like a little bitch.

'LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!' said everyone 'PAUL, PAUL, ROUND AS A BALL!'

after a few minutes of hearing the fat fuck cry off camera, and a few moments of giggling like retarded school girls, scoopy asked, 'paul u ok?'

after more pathetic sobbing, the landwhale came back to the stream.

'ok i'm done.' he said sniffling cuz he was a pussy.

There was another long silence before Tj said, 'let's watch some videos.'

As they watched various moronic videos, stopping to either comment or make obnoxious cock jokes for no reason, Jack thought back the beginning of this whole mess. He regretted taking that mysterious plasmid. But the big question was, was any of this real? Is this all just one big bad trip? Or was there something more going on? regardless, he had to find his way back to Rap-

'Hey man, you okay?' asked ben, concerned about their new friend.

'yeah, great.' jack replied, though his tone said otherwise

'you sure?' asked kaiser scotty, but jack didn't respond.

'okay, got it a beeter idea' tj said 'let's stop the show momentarily and we'll let you tell us what's on your mind.'

'oh you don't have to'

'nah it's cool' ben said, minimizing the video on the screen to show jack's web cam, but not before playing the "Story Time with Some Random Faggot in an Ugly Sweater" segment intro. 'shoot'

'ok' jack muttered hesitantly before he went on to explain his predicament.

He told them about all of his misadventures in what ever fucked up worlds he's been to, minus the ones where he was fucking winnie the pooh and turning into some sexy-looking 40's whore with huge tits fucking her own dad lol. the stoners' expressions went from shock, to fucking flabbergasted, to shocked again. ben could hardly believe what he was hearing.

'daz awful' they said in unison.

'loved that sex scene with elizabeth and booker, tho.' tj added already horny as he began squeezing his microdick with his thumb and index fingers. 'incest is the sexiest thing since bananas.'

'r u kidding me!?' scotty said as he cringed in disgust. 'gtfo with that shit!'

in response, the amazing atheist tackled his retarded brother to the ground, causing everyone to jump in surprise. everyone began laughing their stoned asses off as tj raped scotty's ass.

'UGH, GET THE FUCK OFF ME, YOU FAT INCESTUOUS FAGGOT!' scoopy exclaimed, crying because he was such a retard whore pussy. lol.

'LET'S RAPE SCOTTY IN THE AAAASSSSS!' bellowed tj as ben took out his phone and began recording while jack took out his research camera. 'LET'S RAPE SCOTTY IN THE AAAAAASSSSSS!'

a few hours of incestuous sibling rape, and three stoners guffawing like retards as they recorded the situ-way-shun indivijul, every one trurned to jack.

'you guys need to help me!' jack shouted, sobbing again like a faggot.

'okay' said tj, 'we weren't really doing anything productive anyway.'

meanwhile in rapture, 1956

andrew ryan furiously wiped the cum, the same cum that came (excuse the pun) from god knows where, off of his face. after he puked a little of his guts out he ran to his bathroom sink to wash the rest of the substance off.

as he made his way back to his desk, he realized that the goo covered the entire thing. 'WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT!? OH MY GOD, IT'S FUCKING EVERYWHERE!'

getting a mop and a sponge, he looked back at his situation, (indivijul) wondering what the hell that was all about? brushing off the sticky playboy magazine starring ayn rand off his seat, he sat down (lol he 'sat there') and reflected on his life leading up to now. he was a fucking billionaire who ran a fucking underwater libertarian wonderland. his life was perfect, he had bitches, (and not all of them were women tho just saying) he had a nice ass apartment with everything from the floor to the toilet paper being made out of gold, and just recently, just threw a certain commie collectivist whore in the slammer. lol.

'so why do i feel so guilty?' he wondered aloud as he finished his task of cleaning his desk. was it because he was being a complete hypocrite by banning religion, putting leftists in prison and taking over fontaine futuristics? was it because he was was continuing frank fontaine's work of kidnapping little girls and turning them into mindless adam factories? was it because he was sinking passing ships because he was paranoid that the outside world would find out about his bitchin' city?

'nahhh lol' he decided, 'nigga please, empathy is a tool of the parasite. gtfo with that shit.'

then he realized that he was here all alone in his orifice jerking off to either himself or his waifu ayn rand when he could be out there fucking irl. his wife diane didn't count, since she was ugly and had a nasty, shriveled up pussy. lol. cohen also didn't count, since he was a guy and as you may know, guys don't have pussies. he was still fun in bed tho. lol. thankfully for the randtard, that mystery jizz made him get his head out of his ass. lol.

'I KNOW!' he shouted with inspiration, 'i'll start going back to the eve's garden in fort frolic every saturday while that mean bitch diane is away! been a while since me and jasmine jolene banged in her dressing room.'

ryan walked out of his office with a large grin orn his face. lost in his self-determination, he forgot his condoms. guess that jizz in his face made him reckless. lol.

'oh well lol' he chuckled. 'what could possibly go wrong!?'

lol

a/n guess i'll finish this later. i'm bored. lol.


	2. Ch 2 skyrim

[ch 2] the mysterious plasmid

'hey jack,' tj the godless sack of shit said, shaking the farm boy from his daze. 'you alright?'

jack realized that he had been unconscious face-down on the floor. a few minutes ago he thought he had been sitting up smoking weed with his new friends. How had he been out? He looked around, realizing that they were no longer in the studio, but in a frozen tundra. But the strangest thing about the situation was that he wasn't even cold.

'Don't worry, the magic weed'll keep us warm.' said scotty in his nasally voice, handing jack a doobie.

'need a lighter?' asked the fat neckbeard paul's ego who was vaping because he was a faggot. jack declined, instead using incinerate! to light the joint. he took a long inhale of that sweet weed before exhaling ring shaped puffs of smoke.

'fuck that's good.' he said, feeling a lot warmer and a lot happier with lungs full of weed. he looked around before asking the peasants where they were.

'fuck if i know' said the masked stoner ben, 'think it's skyrim.'

'cool.' jack replied, 'played skyrim before. fuckin' sucked.'

'hey, that's a good game!' paul exclaimed going full fanboy mode. he was actually just butthurt because his waifu dragonborn zega the skooma addict was made in skyrim.

'yeah, for faggots.' jack said before being punched in the face, hitting the snow covered ground with a loud thud. it took him a few seconds to register that paul just socked him.

he was about lunge at the neckbeard and beat his ass when he noticed a piece of paper on the ground. he picked it up and examined it, realizing it was a letter. the five looked at each other before jack read it aloud:

'hey jack wynand, remember me? you might want to, because i have your boyfriend winnie the pooh. if you ever want to see him again, you're going to bring me several thousand kg of skooma. i'm giving you until the end of last seed. if you don't have my skooma by then, i'll roll your lover into a joint and smoke him. this is your only warning.

-the doobie king'

the peasants looked at jack with equal shock as the farmboy stared slackjawed at the message.

'well, fuck!' he exclaimed after a few minutes.

'who the fuck's "the doobie king"?' asked the tj the godless sack of shit.

'he's some asshole who's butthurt because i shot a bunch of rpgs at his face.' shrugged jack. 'he smokes a lot of weed, so i figured he'd forget about it.'

'wait... he has weed?' asked ben enthusiastically.

'guess so,' replied jack 'he is the doobie king.'

'holy shit!' he exclaimed gleefully. 'let's get that skooma!'

'but where the hell are we gonna get skooma?' asked tj's retarded brother scotty, 'that shit's not even a real drug.'

'neither am i so stfu' said jack

'and not to mention we're in skyrim, retard.' said paul 'there's bound to be skooma somewhere.'

and that's when the five stoners began their journey across the glitchy, mountainous landscape of skyrim. it's a shame they don't really know where to go to find skooma, since they're too stoned out of they're minds. ben hoped they didn't run into a troll or something like that. he made sure to remember to push tj in front of it and run in case that happens. a thought crossed jack's mind as they crossed the bridge to riften.

'hey how did we get here, btw.' he asked

'fuck if i know' said tj, 'i'm too high to remember. i think we gave each other some of that plasmid. that felt fucking awesome.'

'aw shit.' exclaimed jack 'i didn't know i still had that shit on me.'

'HA-HAHAHAHAHA!' said ben

jack noticed that paul wasn't doing any of the magic weed.

'r u cold?'

'nah.' the fat fuck replied nonchalantly, 'i have enough fat to keep me warm.'

'ok'

then a mugger came with a knife and said 'give me your wallet!'

'ok' said scotty, handing over his wallet because he was a retard. tj smacked him in the face.

'dumbass' he said

'i got it' said jack as he took out his gun and shot the mugger in the face several times. the asshole's head exploded as his limp body slumped to the floor. the peasants were still too high to care.

'get your fucking wallet, retard.' said paul as scotty picked his shit up. he started crying because he was a little bitch.

as they made their way to riften, ben laughed like a retard for no reason. at the gates of the lake town riften aka not-esgoroth, a guard ordered them to halt. paul rolled his eyes in disgust. during his days of playing skyrim, he always was forced to halt by city guards. that's why he sometimes stabbed them and ran away, usually ending up being killed by the rest of the guard since he was too much of a fat fuck to run without having to rest. he told himself to remember to roll away next time.

the hold guard's eyes scanned them over before telling them, 'sorry, west gate's closed. you'll have to use the north gate.'

'why' asked jack

'does it matter?' he gruffly replied, 'don't like it head to another city.'

'don't worry, I'll handle this.' said paul, moving the farm boy with his fat ass arms. he stared at the guard before asking with puppy dog eyes, 'can't u make an exception? pwitty pwease?'

'wow, someone's a little faggot.' chuckled the guard.

'ok' paul said before the stoners left to the north gate.

'halt' ordered another guard with an even more retarded accent. 'before i let you in, you'll have to pay the "visitor's tax".'

'why?' the stoners asked

'for the privilege of entering the muh fucking city.' he replied

'this is obviously a shakedown.' piped up scotty but was unable to convince the guard because he, being the autistic retard that he is, had a low speech skill

'here, i'll handle this.' said ben with a mischievious grin as he pushed scotty out of the way.

'oh shit, your fucked now.' tj remarked as ben took off his gay ass luchador mask.

'DON'T LOOK!' tj shouted before shielding the other peasants with his fat ass gut. the guard shrieked in horror as he brought his hands to his face before taking out his gun and an heroing.

ben giggled sick-fuckley as he put his mask back on.

'wow you're a dick' said jack before using the 'resurrect' console command to bring the the guard back to life. but ben didn't give a fuck.

before they entered riften, a dragon attacked.

'rowr' said the dragon.

ben then removed his mask again and exposed his fugly mug. the dragon screamed and took out its gun and an heroed. it's corpse hit the ground with a loud thud before being reduced to a large skeleton as a whirling stream magic flowed into scotty.

the nasally voiced retard stared wtfilly at what just occured. everyone else stared with an equal wtf face.

'by the gods, you took its very soul!' a guard exclaimed

'huh?' asked scoopy retardedly.

'could it be? are the legends true?' another guard asked

'i have no idea what's going on.' tj said

'HAHAHAHAHA!' ben laughed again

'wtf is going on?' jack asked

'why does it have to be scotty?' asked paul

'wtf' asked scotty

'the legends are true!' said the guard 'you are dragonborn!'

a/n GREAT GOD THAT WAS EXCITING! sorry for not updating sooner i've been busy with shit in my life. my sister Astrid was just gang raped by muslim migrants and i've just been dealing with that. i'll update more often tho ggggggggg.

-valter

a/n OH MY GOD IT'S NOT RAPE IF A MUSLIM DOES IT YOU CIS HET WHILE MALE PIECE OF SHIT!

-astrid


End file.
